Gross.

I had a decent amount of money saved up and its all gone thanks to college.
I'm not even taking sweet classes.
Ugh...I'm not thrilled about college at all.

What A Year.

Christmas was fantastic.
I got far more than I needed but I'm not complaining.
It's cool that my parents and grandparents get me these things but sometimes I think they get the true point to Christmas. This year was a weird one as far as Christmas. I just thought about it differently. I thought of it from Mary's perspective. It made things more personal for me, I'm not really sure how to describe it. I can imagine being married and pregnant, but I cannot imagine being her and carrying our Lord and Savior. What an awesome and terrifying thing. Christmas was different this year.

I wasn't mad that I had to work on Christmas this year, I actually was full of smiles when I was at work. I got to see my family and then I got to hang with my best friends family. I love his family they are so simple and I absolutely love it.

It's almost the new year, I can't believe all that has happened this year...
I graduated high school, had my eyes opened to the real world, went on the best vacation I've ever been on, found someone I can depend on, lost a really good friend, made tons of friends, started going to a new church, I have had the chance to help out with worship at church which I've always dreamed of helping with. This year turned out great and I wouldn't change the way anything has happened.

I like...

Music, Photography, Hugs, starring at the stars with close friends, looking at the clouds, singing worship music and singing in general, kisses on the forehead, necklaces and bracelets, popcorn, watching movies, fuzzy pajama pants, guitars and nice voices, curly hair, pretending jesus is slow dancing with me, the color blue, the office, eating fruit, looking at all the picture frames in the picture frame aisle at Walmart, shopping with fun people, singing in the car, long car rides with close friends, concerts, pianos, editing photos, listening to a guitar playing when I'm ready to fall asleep, ice skating, skiing, learning new things about technology, anything made by apple, having blue eyes, wearing sweaters, wearing band T-shirts with baggy jeans, getting to know people, staying up super late, having just one person i share my entire life story with, I like having lots of friends, eating at dennys after 11pm, being by myself when I am at home, having a friend around me a lot of the time, back-massages, curling my hair, and watching the snow fall.

Bitter yet Sweet

I have the best friend in all the world.
He took me to a Relient K concert and it was wonderful.
The car ride there and back was delightful.
The cold was bitter but it was sweet spending time with my dear friend.
The music was so splendid and beautiful to my ears.
It was a good night and a great Christmas gift.
I am so thankful.

Not Hate.

I don't hate my family.
And its not that i dislike my family I'm just ready to grow up.
Not that I'm ready for all the responsibilities,
but I am tired of being treated like a child.
I want to be able to make decisions for myself.
I want to be out of this house and out living life.
I'm tired of living here.
Most of the people I graduated with are off at college.
They get to move out and move on with their lives.
It's what you do when you turn 18 or graduate.
Thats what I want...
Oh well.

My Goal...

I will sing in church,
I will.
Someday.

Exhaustion and Relient K

So I should be getting ready for work, but I'd rather blog.

Wednesday is going to be the best day ever!
Gabe is taking me to see Relient K on they acoustic Christmas tour in Akron!!
Its one of the best gifts given to me for Christmas.

I am working two jobs now,
I'm getting exhausted from it.
I'm ready for a break already.
But guess what,
I start school in January..Ha.

I will need to be leaning on the Lord far more than I am right now.
Speaking of that...
I really miss Jesus,
I used to spend so much time with him day to day,
and now I hardly ever do.
I miss reading his Word.
I really need to get back with it...

a snowflake on your cheek.

its almost christmas.
i feel like all the world has forgotten the meaning.

whatever.
this world is screwed up.
and i just dont know anymore.
life has given me a headache.
whats wrong and whats right?
all i know is Jesus loves me no matter what.
And Christmas is about his birth..not the gifts, music, or trees.
I am really tired of christmas trees.
I am biased tho, there are four in my house.
They are up at the beginning of November and it drives me nuts.
Why can't we wait til december.
Whatever lifes complicated.
I will be out of here before i know it.

Music.

and Jesus makes my soul happy.

What I am Thankful For:

God
Gabe
Bethany
Sam
Ben
Al
Jobs
Car
House
Family
Haven
Friends
Grass
Snow
Clouds
Stars.

!

I am happy to be involved with music again.
It's been three years without some form of instrument.
I've missed it.

Satisfied.

I am in love...with my guitar.
I am so glad that my best friend is kind enough to teach me.
He could be charging me,
but he's not.
I couldn't ask for a better friend.
I am satisfied for now.

NotSure.

I am up at 3:39am.
I edited pictures for an hour,
I am listening to Fiction Family.
Their lyrics, I love them.
I should sleep.
I have to wake up at 7:05,
but I have no desire to sleep.
I want to think and write.

This becoming my own thing.
It's going to be nice but difficult.
I rely on people so much, and not my Father.
I love Him, I just need to trust Him.
I can trust people so easily,
but I struggle with Him.
Thats a problem.
But as I become more of my own person,
thats when things will fall into place.
Things that are meant to be will happen,
and I will be happy.

Until then it will take patience, prayer, and being alone.

Becoming

I must become my own.

Let go of the cares of others.

Live how I want.

Caring for myself.

Loving others still,

but not so much the opinions people have for me.

I must become my own.

Independent.

i now have two jobs.
going to school in january.
go to church in tiffin on sundays.
practically live at my best friends house.
Thats all.

shmuck.

i really need to do something with my life.

Oye.

hopelessly in love.

Guitar.

I'd just like to say...
I have taught myself a song on guitar,
and I know all the words.
And I am happy.

That Chance

I haven't been here in a while.
I'm still needing patience.
Which means I need to trust in God's timing.
I am in such a hurry for things to change.
Yet I like how they are.
Its just my emotions run wild.
I'm losing control,
but I don't want to change things.
I am in love with what is going on now.
I love the people I surround myself with.
I just don't want to ever lose them.

But theres always that chance...

God help me.

i worry too much.
i think too much.
i'm too impatient.
I just need to relax.
i shouldn't be sad.
this is how things worked out.
god wouldn't have it any other way right?
i'm just not sure right now about life.
i love it, for the most part.
i just need to be patient.
and i suck at patience.

i need to pray.

Today I took care of my best friend.

I love taking care of people...well the ones i love.
It gives me such joy.
I love seeing smiles on the people i love.
It makes me happier than a little girl with an ice cream cone with sprinkles.
:)

My Biggest Problem

patience...my biggest problem.
i am patient for a moment,
then i get anxious...
then i find reason for patience...
then i get anxious.
its a never ending cycle.
however,
i really do need to be patient.

Hosannah

I need to get back into the word of God.
It's only the book with all the answers,
so I kinda think its necessary I start reading it again.
It will solve all my problems,
well give me guidance to solve my problems.

Giving in.

I lay here in my bed,
hoping for something that won't come.
I think I'll give in tonight,
and just sleep.

Sleepless.

I don't like going to sleep.
I don't like sleeping before three a.m.
I don't know what it is.
I love the night.
I guess I'll have to grow up at some point.
Not that I want too.
But for not,
I stay awake.

Content.

I will be content.
I will be content.
I will be content.

That is what I'll do.

Patience.

Im caught inbetween the past and the future.
I don't know what direction I'm going.
I'm not sure what God wants with my life.
So far I like how things are.
Right now, it feels so right.
If its meant, it will be.
TIl then, I'll be praying for patience.
I'll have joy in hope.
And hopefully God will grant me peace.

It will all work out.

yes.

in love.

Sea of Feelings

Dear God,
Help me get my mind in the right place.
Help me put you first.
Above all things.
You are number one and the most important thing in my life,
I am just having problems showing it.
I am in so far deep Lord.
I am alright with it to a point.
But I need help cause I'm not focused on your timing.
I need to be patient.
I need to wait on you.
Lord help me while im stuck in this sea of feelings.
My heart races.
My chest pounds.
Help me.
I want this but I know its not the right time.
Help calm the storm thats inside of me.
I know for a fact you can do it.
You can do anything.
And I trust you.
I love you Lord,

Amen

Let me GO!

I was so happy.
Everything seemed like it was going great.
Then its changes like life always does.
I can't take it anymore.
However I know God doesn't give us anything thats too big for us.
I really need to give this to God.
I have been praying a ton lately.
I know that He makes everything better.
I am just struggling because I can't hear him.
I wish I could literally hear him speak to me,
because I have no idea what I am suppose to do.
I am struggling.
I am hurting.
They don't get it.
They don't see what I want with life.
They don't like what I want with life.
I don't know how to just tell them to get over it.
I've always been told that I can do anything I put my mind too.
Now it's like they won't let go.
I am eighteen and its time for me to grow up.
Move on.
But they won't let me.

He loves.

Oh how He loves us.
I just don't understand why.
but Oh how He loves us.
I am so glad he does.
I'd be lost and I'd be nothing with out him.

Cluttered Mind.

I cannot get you off my mind.
This time I swear it's different.
Dreams.
Maybe this will work.
I hope its God will.
If not, its something I will have to be okay with.
But this just seems to perfect.
My best friend.
I guess I will find out in time.

So much is going on, yet so little is happening.
The world is spinning so fast all around me.
My mind.
Has never felt so worked.
Happy things, frightening things, so many things inside.
Scared, Sad, Happy, Love, so much.
Time.
It will heal all things, right?

Til then...

My own inception

I am lost in life trying to figure out dreams from reality.

Hands and Voice

I've come to realize I am a far better writer than speaker. When I speak I stumble over words. I put words in the wrong order. I mix up sounds and endings. But when I write it all flows out right. I wish I could speak the way I write. It would be nice to be understood. It would be nice if people knew I knew what I was talking about but until then my thoughts and words will flow out of my hands.

Dear God,

I need your strength.
I need your patience.
I need your guidence.
Help me Lord.
So much is being thrown at me.
Freedom yet rules.
I don't understand what is going on.
I'm told one thing for awhile then it changes in an instance.
Love or Money?
I want love Lord.
I want to love life and everything in it.
I don't need money to live a happy life.
Please change some hearts and let them realize thats not what life is about.
I'm not going to be a bum the rest of my life,
I just want to be able to make decisions for myself.
I don't want to be forced to do everything.
I need to live for myself and for you.
So Lord will you please guide me.
Will you please change some hearts.
Let them know I love you and them.
Let them know that life isn't about money and being comfortable.
Whats meant to happen will happen and I know that.
But Lord, I am so frustrated and I can hardly handle all of this.
I don't know what to say any more.
I can't speak because I'm scared.
I just don't wanna be judged anymore for everything I do.
I am eighteen and I know I am just eighteen but I've learned a lot.
I am ready to make decisions on my own.
Please teach them that.
I still need their guidence and yours more than anything.
Just help change their hearts.
They need to realize I am growing up and I don't need them to make decisions for me.
I have to grow up on my own to a point.
Help me Lord.
You know all the details.
You know my heart.
You know their hearts.
Please help change our hearts.
Help me to be patient, kind, loving, and respectful.
Help them to realize whats important in life...and thats you.
You are the most important thing and sometimes even I forget.
But Lord this life means nothing once we die.
And whether I am rich or poor doesn't matter.
And Lord thats what I want them to realize.
Being happy and in love with you and life is far better than being miserable but comfortable in money.

I love you Lord.
Please help me and them.

I love you.
Amen.

Scattered or Shattered?

Funny.
The things I do.
I try to protect myself,
I get hurt worse.
I need change.
I want this so bad.
Confusion.
My mind has lost itself.
Trying to find who I am.
I'm torn in many directions.
I know what I want.
Getting its the hard part.
Change.
I need it.

Pennies.

What to do.
I gotta change.
I've never wanted something so badly.
I gotta change.
Perfection.

I can't even make sense.

I want out.
I hate it.
I can't be here.
I don't have enough money to live on my own.
I hate how they are so close minded.
It's like they'd rather me be miserable than happy.
I am sick of all of this.
I am so unhappy being here and happy being gone.
They are mad when I'm gone but I'm no good when I am home.
I can't talk about life cause they don't like it.
I'm not up to par in their world,
but I'm happy.
They make me being happy feel so wrong.
I just want to live for myself and not everyone else.
I am so sick of this.

Here, waiting.

I am sitting here in the waiting room.
My father is getting a new kidney tonight.
He said he's getting a new birthday.
I am really nervous.
I mean I heard they do a great job here,
but I am still nervous.
Normally I am the one getting operated on.
I almost passed out a few times because they were dealing with needles.
It makes me sick knowing he has like two or three IV's.
I know everything will work out.
It's all in God's hands.
There are so many people who have prayed and are praying for him.
It's very comforting knowing how loved my family is and that so many care for him and us.

Good.

This past week was quite the experience.
I needed lots of patience.
I have grown spiritually.
I have gained many friendships.
I missed a lot but I also loved a lot.
This past week was great.
Now I can't wait to go camping!

Confusion of Leaving and the Future.

I am irritated and frustrated.
I can live how I want to live.
I have a good head on my shoulders.
I have a good foundation.
I have Christ and people need to let me live for myself.
Everyone keeps assuming things about my life,
most don't even know the situation.
One thing I do know is I am not regretting anything I'm doing.
I've missed out on so much and I am getting it back.
Besides that.

I am back to square one on everything.
It's okay with me anyways.
I have a long time before I really need to know what I am doing with my life.
I miss taking photo's and writing.
I miss editing and spending hours perfecting a photo.
I am back to thinking I want to do photography.
It's frustrating when that's what I'd love to do but everyone frowns on it.
Honestly I don't want to leave this town,
I want to take a break from school.
I just want to figure out what I want to go to school for.

I am glad to be alone again.
But really I am not alone.
I have all the people I love around me.
On top of that I have God's grace all around me.
I am so glad to do what I want when I want with who I want.
I have really missed out on one of my most prized friendships.
I love my best friends and family.

Tomorrow I leave for a missions trip to the Chicago area.
I am nervous, scared, and anxious.
I am nervous for leaving here with no communication because of my dad.
I am scared because I know I am going to be pushed out of my comfort zone insanely.
I feel extremely unprepared because I don't know what to do for the job I've been assigned.
I am anxious to serve the homeless or do any inner city work.
Inner city and homelessness is what I love.
I really hope God pulls me towards something on the trip.

My Chest is Screaming.

I need a break from this world.
I need a break.
I need to ground my faith again.
I am losing myself in stupidness.
If only I could restart but I can't.
So I guess I will just have to deal with all of this.
It will be tough but I need to forget about everyone else,
focus on myself and God.
I think too much,
I think too much about people and their opinions.
Are they really that important.
No, my life will go on if I do my own thing.

I haven't been able to sleep.
My mind has been going a million miles an hour.
I've tried crying but nothing comes out.
I am stuck but everything around me is going too fast.
My chest is screaming for a rest.
I need to get away,
but what I need most to get my focus on God.

Life and Changes

So...
I change my mind more than anyone I know.
I have changed my mind on school like five times.
I've come to realize I like this small town.
I love the people here and I don't wanna leave yet.
I don't want to live the rest of my life here but I wanna stay for a bit.
All the people I love are here and my church, and work.
I love people too much sometimes.


My dad still doesn't have any new kidneys, hopefully next week.
I'm not sure I wanna go on the missions trip.
Camping is the one thing I'm more than sure of.
School, well if i could skip out I would but I need to keep with it.
Work is pretty cool only because of the people.

I feel like many people are angry with me lately.
But, my friend keeps telling me to stop worrying about it,
so I am going to try.
It's really hard though cause I don't like when people are disappointed in me...
I had the awkwardness.

Yep.

Chapter 8.

Its funny, a week ago I would have done anything to be back with him.
Now, I'm so glad its over.
Don't get me wrong I had an awesome time and he's a great friend most of the time...atleast when he's around.
Here, where I live though I have great people surrounding me, who really love me.
and it's exciting because its like beginning new.
I'm starting a new chapter, and well I am excited...

excited for this new beginning.

The tears are all gone, and I am happy.

moving on staying here

its time to move on. im ready for this. i didnt choose this but this must be what God wants. i have great friends and family have always truly cared for me...im ready to move on. now im just scared im getting too attached to this town because part of me doesnt wanna leave. but i dont have anywhere to go yet. god will guide me.

crushed.

crushed. i am crushed. i am hurt. i am broken.

Eclipse vs. Bible

It is ridiculous how many little girls, teenager girls, and women are obsessed with Eclipse.

I like the movies but I think its a bit ridiculous.

No one should obsess over a movie like the girls do with this saga.

Wouldn't it be awesome if girls and women would freak out over the Bible.

Wouldn't be cool if that became a movie and there were tons of girls calling in to get tickets two weeks ahead of time.

Yeah it would be cool, but will that happen?

Probably not.

Frustration

I am very frustrated.

My dad is in the ER yet again.

He is being taken to Toledo hospital so I guess this is serious.

His blood pressure is super high, he keeps getting sick, and has a massive migrane.

It's scary and I have people here for me, but I'm missing one very important person.

Im sick of being worried and having heart ache.

I am sick of missing people and things.

I am frustrated and just need to get away from everything...

Beyond.

Live it out.

Christ came to die for us so we should live for him.

At beyond 4 girls came to know Christ and 1 recommited her life to him in my cabin.

It was hard at first but by the end I loved it, just like last year.

The band was awesome, and had awesome people.

My impact group was hard to deal with but as individuals i loved them all.

It was beneficial to me as well because I have grown stronger in my faith and now have knew relationships with girls.

I really hope to keep close the them and to be an encouragement.

Beyond10 was a great one.

By far, better than last year.

Unequality

Long distance sucks and so does my dad's health.

I cant stand these phone calls.

I don't feel the love i thought we had.

I don't feel I'm given the effort i put forth back at me.

I don't know how much more I can take.

My heart aches.

"Lifes not fair"...

but this is a relationship.

It's suppose to be equal.

I guess not.

So I have learned to be somewhat content.
I know everything is on God's timing and thats what I need to focus on.
I want to be far away under big city lights but thats not where I am wanted right now.
For some odd reason God wants me kept in this small town and I am not sure why...
Is it because my dad is going through kidney failure, dialisis, and needs a new kidney?
Is it because I am suppose to be a small group leader and help middle school girls?
Is it because I am suppose to save some cash by keeping my job?
I don't know what reasons God is keeping me here for sure but its all in His timing.

I still feel the city calling my name,
and I still feel the love for the poor and homeless.
But for now I guess I'll use my helping hands for the people around here.
I need to keep my head up, and my love for God strong.