Here, waiting.

I am sitting here in the waiting room.
My father is getting a new kidney tonight.
He said he's getting a new birthday.
I am really nervous.
I mean I heard they do a great job here,
but I am still nervous.
Normally I am the one getting operated on.
I almost passed out a few times because they were dealing with needles.
It makes me sick knowing he has like two or three IV's.
I know everything will work out.
It's all in God's hands.
There are so many people who have prayed and are praying for him.
It's very comforting knowing how loved my family is and that so many care for him and us.

Good.

This past week was quite the experience.
I needed lots of patience.
I have grown spiritually.
I have gained many friendships.
I missed a lot but I also loved a lot.
This past week was great.
Now I can't wait to go camping!

Confusion of Leaving and the Future.

I am irritated and frustrated.
I can live how I want to live.
I have a good head on my shoulders.
I have a good foundation.
I have Christ and people need to let me live for myself.
Everyone keeps assuming things about my life,
most don't even know the situation.
One thing I do know is I am not regretting anything I'm doing.
I've missed out on so much and I am getting it back.
Besides that.

I am back to square one on everything.
It's okay with me anyways.
I have a long time before I really need to know what I am doing with my life.
I miss taking photo's and writing.
I miss editing and spending hours perfecting a photo.
I am back to thinking I want to do photography.
It's frustrating when that's what I'd love to do but everyone frowns on it.
Honestly I don't want to leave this town,
I want to take a break from school.
I just want to figure out what I want to go to school for.

I am glad to be alone again.
But really I am not alone.
I have all the people I love around me.
On top of that I have God's grace all around me.
I am so glad to do what I want when I want with who I want.
I have really missed out on one of my most prized friendships.
I love my best friends and family.

Tomorrow I leave for a missions trip to the Chicago area.
I am nervous, scared, and anxious.
I am nervous for leaving here with no communication because of my dad.
I am scared because I know I am going to be pushed out of my comfort zone insanely.
I feel extremely unprepared because I don't know what to do for the job I've been assigned.
I am anxious to serve the homeless or do any inner city work.
Inner city and homelessness is what I love.
I really hope God pulls me towards something on the trip.

My Chest is Screaming.

I need a break from this world.
I need a break.
I need to ground my faith again.
I am losing myself in stupidness.
If only I could restart but I can't.
So I guess I will just have to deal with all of this.
It will be tough but I need to forget about everyone else,
focus on myself and God.
I think too much,
I think too much about people and their opinions.
Are they really that important.
No, my life will go on if I do my own thing.

I haven't been able to sleep.
My mind has been going a million miles an hour.
I've tried crying but nothing comes out.
I am stuck but everything around me is going too fast.
My chest is screaming for a rest.
I need to get away,
but what I need most to get my focus on God.

Life and Changes

So...
I change my mind more than anyone I know.
I have changed my mind on school like five times.
I've come to realize I like this small town.
I love the people here and I don't wanna leave yet.
I don't want to live the rest of my life here but I wanna stay for a bit.
All the people I love are here and my church, and work.
I love people too much sometimes.


My dad still doesn't have any new kidneys, hopefully next week.
I'm not sure I wanna go on the missions trip.
Camping is the one thing I'm more than sure of.
School, well if i could skip out I would but I need to keep with it.
Work is pretty cool only because of the people.

I feel like many people are angry with me lately.
But, my friend keeps telling me to stop worrying about it,
so I am going to try.
It's really hard though cause I don't like when people are disappointed in me...
I had the awkwardness.

Yep.

Chapter 8.

Its funny, a week ago I would have done anything to be back with him.
Now, I'm so glad its over.
Don't get me wrong I had an awesome time and he's a great friend most of the time...atleast when he's around.
Here, where I live though I have great people surrounding me, who really love me.
and it's exciting because its like beginning new.
I'm starting a new chapter, and well I am excited...

excited for this new beginning.

The tears are all gone, and I am happy.

moving on staying here

its time to move on. im ready for this. i didnt choose this but this must be what God wants. i have great friends and family have always truly cared for me...im ready to move on. now im just scared im getting too attached to this town because part of me doesnt wanna leave. but i dont have anywhere to go yet. god will guide me.

crushed.

crushed. i am crushed. i am hurt. i am broken.