Hands and Voice

I've come to realize I am a far better writer than speaker. When I speak I stumble over words. I put words in the wrong order. I mix up sounds and endings. But when I write it all flows out right. I wish I could speak the way I write. It would be nice to be understood. It would be nice if people knew I knew what I was talking about but until then my thoughts and words will flow out of my hands.

Dear God,

I need your strength.
I need your patience.
I need your guidence.
Help me Lord.
So much is being thrown at me.
Freedom yet rules.
I don't understand what is going on.
I'm told one thing for awhile then it changes in an instance.
Love or Money?
I want love Lord.
I want to love life and everything in it.
I don't need money to live a happy life.
Please change some hearts and let them realize thats not what life is about.
I'm not going to be a bum the rest of my life,
I just want to be able to make decisions for myself.
I don't want to be forced to do everything.
I need to live for myself and for you.
So Lord will you please guide me.
Will you please change some hearts.
Let them know I love you and them.
Let them know that life isn't about money and being comfortable.
Whats meant to happen will happen and I know that.
But Lord, I am so frustrated and I can hardly handle all of this.
I don't know what to say any more.
I can't speak because I'm scared.
I just don't wanna be judged anymore for everything I do.
I am eighteen and I know I am just eighteen but I've learned a lot.
I am ready to make decisions on my own.
Please teach them that.
I still need their guidence and yours more than anything.
Just help change their hearts.
They need to realize I am growing up and I don't need them to make decisions for me.
I have to grow up on my own to a point.
Help me Lord.
You know all the details.
You know my heart.
You know their hearts.
Please help change our hearts.
Help me to be patient, kind, loving, and respectful.
Help them to realize whats important in life...and thats you.
You are the most important thing and sometimes even I forget.
But Lord this life means nothing once we die.
And whether I am rich or poor doesn't matter.
And Lord thats what I want them to realize.
Being happy and in love with you and life is far better than being miserable but comfortable in money.

I love you Lord.
Please help me and them.

I love you.
Amen.

Scattered or Shattered?

Funny.
The things I do.
I try to protect myself,
I get hurt worse.
I need change.
I want this so bad.
Confusion.
My mind has lost itself.
Trying to find who I am.
I'm torn in many directions.
I know what I want.
Getting its the hard part.
Change.
I need it.

Pennies.

What to do.
I gotta change.
I've never wanted something so badly.
I gotta change.
Perfection.

I can't even make sense.

I want out.
I hate it.
I can't be here.
I don't have enough money to live on my own.
I hate how they are so close minded.
It's like they'd rather me be miserable than happy.
I am sick of all of this.
I am so unhappy being here and happy being gone.
They are mad when I'm gone but I'm no good when I am home.
I can't talk about life cause they don't like it.
I'm not up to par in their world,
but I'm happy.
They make me being happy feel so wrong.
I just want to live for myself and not everyone else.
I am so sick of this.